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what's love got to do with it? [Jan. 15th, 2007|10:39 pm]
there is something strange about love. the way it makes people act, the way it makes people feel, the way it can consume whole ideas and create such extreme reaction.

there is something i realized about love a few days ago.

the first time you fall in love, it's amazing. it's like nothing else you've ever felt, and you swear you'll never feel this way again. and it's reckless and it's without abandon and it's a feeling that seemingly has no boundaries and no limits and also...no logic.

and then that first love ends. and all of those hopes and dreams come crashing down, and you swear up and down you will never feel pain like that again, that nothing has ever been so intense or jarring or emotionally draining ever before.

and then love comes along again.

and what i realized, is while yes, there really isn't anything to compare to first love....that's not a bad thing. because it is reckless and throw caution to the wind and all of that, but it won't always be like that. so few people end up with the first person they fall in love with.

when you fall the second, or third, or 42nd time...it's always, always a calculated risk. because you KNOW the pain you've been through before, and you fully understand that giving your heart away means you are potentially putting yourself in front of the firing squad.

and when you realize you would glady do all of that, risk all of those horrid, soul-scarring emotions just to have those good things too....that's when you know it's real. when you're willing to give your heart to someone, knowing entirely too well they could stomp on it and hand it back in 100 pieces for you to try and put back together alone...and you still can't imagine anyone else having it. on that day, you really realize what love is about.

i know now.
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and so, the single ends again =) [Dec. 17th, 2006|11:38 pm]
that's right kids, it's back to girlfriend status for this girl...and i'm quite happy =)

it was funny, he asked me yesterday how it felt, and i sort of likened it to birthdays...you know something's different, but you don't really feel any different because it's just how it is. like, it's supposed to be so.

and then my ever-supportive mother asks if he's "the rebound guy" because he seems nice, and "rebound guys aren't supposed to be nice." to which i assured her no, there is nothing rebound-y about this go round.

although, just in case you were wondering...being on the phone at almost 2 hours the night before your friend's graduation, which means you get 4 hours of sleep....maybe not the wisest idea. but def. worth it in my case =)
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::sigh:: [Dec. 13th, 2006|04:15 am]
[mood | giddy]

he brought me flowers to work, to "brighten my day" because i told him via text earlier it has been a rough one, with one of our news servers going down.

he brought me flowers to work!

::sigh:: i am quite the happy girl =)
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and all at once, it begins again [Dec. 4th, 2006|03:41 am]
for the first time in almost two years, i went on a first date.

it's a strange feeling being back in the place i thought i'd never be again, just a few short months ago. and yet, here i am...and i wasn't as nervous as i thought i'd be. granted, the several hour long conversations in the days leading up to it probably didn't hurt the cause much.

more than anything, i was relieved there was no anxiousness about the actual dating part...just about the date itself. no lingering waves of "i can't believe i have to start all over", but much more the sense of "i can't believe i get another chance to find something". and i'm also trying my hardest not to go into anything with any baggage from last time, no thoughts of "well, is this as good as i've had it before, or better or worse or too similar or too alike" because i know that it won't ever be the same, and i'm thankful for the change and the growth i've had because of that.

we did the dinner and a movie thing, and it was really nice. he held my hand, and we went out with my friends after, and while he is "shyish" according to my friend sarah, who's also his coworker (and the reason we met to begin with) he says he has a good time with us. so i try not to get too freaked out by the moments of silence, the pauses when he seems to be taking us all in, instead of jumping in head first like most of us would.

and, i'm learning it very much pays to have someone on the inside. sarah reassures me when i start kind of being all eeek about the whole thing that he asks about me, and she hasn't seen him act like this before and all that...so it's good, it reassures me.

and now, comes the hardest part i think. the trying not to think, not to overanalyze, not wonder if i'm making comparisons, or trying too hard not to make them. i have to just let it be, let whatever it is work its way through the way it will, not the way i try and will it to.

and you, i think i'll be able to do it.
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still hoarse, and totally worth it. [Nov. 14th, 2006|03:43 am]
so really, as much as i still say auburn is a god-forsaken town...being there for the game was awesome! i wasn't in the game, just at a bar...but it was amazing. all the red and black were together at one side bar, and we were cheering the whole game. nothing like ruining someone else's season once yours has gone to shit too.

and, urban camping is also awesome. me and sarah bought a 6 foot tall, 12 by 10 dome tent...it's supposed to sleep 5-6, but we shared it alone friday night. and with the beds we brought, courtesy of couch cushions and an egg crate...we were sleeping like rock stars. although, we did have to abandon gary (the tent) on saturday night cuz we probably would have frozen to death and died outside.

and, apparently, for whatever reason....me + auburn games = boys. cuz i totally met a new one on saturday. bless that girl who left her drunk friend there to go home and change, cuz i offered to watch her seat.

and then he sat down.

and we talked for what seemed like forever, and he's really sweet, and super cute, and he texted me after i left saying the entertainment value had gone down considerably. and he called me that night trying to meet up, and we had some texts in there too, and he said he'd call me later this week. he doesn't live here, but newnan's not that far either...so we'll see what happens.

i'm not getting my hopes up, but it's nice to be flattered again, and it's nice to have attention, and it's also nice knowing for sure that whatever does happen, however little or big...it's not a rebound thing. because i do know i'm so over that.

i just hope he calls, because it's nice feeling those butterflies, hoping the ring is someone you want to hear from. plus, he's already found me on facebook...that's gotta be a good sign, right??

oh yeah, and i can't stop listening to the new sugarland cd. if i was a rock star, i'd totally be jennifer nettles.
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and the saga of my life continues [Nov. 2nd, 2006|12:55 am]
so, the ex-boy has a new girl.

who i know, and am/was friends with.

and for all the times i tried to imagine what i'd feel like when it finally happened...i always figured i'd be hurt. and really, i was just pissed. still am, sort of.

because part of me thinks it's not fair for him to be so stupid, and get someone new first.

although, having all my friends jump on the "idiot ex-boyfriend" bandwagon has been entertaining. i've had some tell me he was never good enough anyways, that he was "the lucky one" between the two of us. apparently, moms are incapable of understanding this concept, because mine keeps trying to tell me he may never feel like he made a mistake letting me go.

and i'm sorry, but i highly doubt that. because one day, he's gonna realize he can't party his whole life, and he'll want to settle down with a house and a wife and kids. and he'll realize he had someone who could do both...and he let me go.

i deserve, and fully intend to find, better than him. and he abandoned the best thing that ever happened to him.

call me conceited, tell me he had his reasons and he'll be better off without me and he'll never look back and wonder "what if". i don't believe it, i think people can ignore the big mistakes they make in life...but they always, always realize they've made them.

and when he does, i'll be gone. because i already am.

he will get no more of my tears, i'm done.
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the best new diet out there [Oct. 18th, 2006|02:29 am]
apparently, getting your heart stomped on is quite the effective weight loss plan.

cuz since we've been broken up, i've dropped like 7 pounds.

granted, round one was probably the whole not eating for about a week thing, but my appetite definitely has returned.

but i do hit the gym, and when i do, when i'm not thinking nothing and just trying to push it hard, i'm trying to push it harder as my own little mental "screw you, i'm hotter anyways".

because, i'm finally almost completely back to me again, the real me that's goofy and silly and sexy and loud and not consumed with thoughts of what ifs, and why me's.

and now, i'm doing my damndest to work the flirting muscles that i have to finely tuned...because if there's one thing i KNOW i'm good at, it's that.

and i've also come to the point where i realize i might never be truly angry with him, even though i expected it to come. because he did what he thought he had to...and while i still say it's a decent chance it was one of the most monumental mistakes he'll ever make, it was his mistake to make. and i can't undo that, and i can't be pissed at him for following his stupid, misguided heart.

see, that's not angry....sarcastic and a bit biting yes....but not angry. very distinct difference.

oh yeah, and i think i might wanna be veronica mars...but a redhead. just for the record.
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last night he said she was the one, but men and mascara always run [Oct. 12th, 2006|10:12 pm]

today, i learned about the first post-breakup spotting of the ex's family.

and, it wasn't as weird as i thought it might be.

partly because his sister and i have been making plans for the two of us and his mom to have lunch or dinner sometime soon, because i miss them. they were a part of my life for a long time, and just because he isn't anymore doesn't mean they can't be.

but then, she asked me how i was doing, and i could see in her eyes what she really meant....how am i doing since her son broke my heart.  and i told her thr truth...i'm better now than i was for awhile.  and she started tearing up, which didn't make it easy for me not to, but i did good.  it's just hard when the woman who, for all intents and purposes, was supposed to be my mother-in-law, tells me that she told he doesn't know what he's letting go. 

aren't guys supposed to listen to their moms?

it's nice knowing that she realizes the stupidity of his actions too, but it still sucks.  i just want it to not suck for awhile, even though i know that's probably never going to happen.

i don't even really know if any of this makes sense, but i've given up on retaining any sort of digital dignity with this thing....if you read it, you probably know most of my business anyways.  and if that's the case, then you realize why i need to write things for me, no matter who else will read them.  or you think i'm nuts, which i'm fairly okay with too.

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it's just a weird place [Sep. 26th, 2006|09:13 pm]
so, seeing as how it's now been more than 3 weeks since what i've dubbed "the incident", i feel like i'm coping pretty well.  i go out with my friends, and i have a great time.  and after about a week, i stopped the moping, the constant worry that i was on the verge of tears has gone away.  but yet, there are the things that linger.

and yes, i know, i know...it's only been 3 weeks, and things like this take longer than that to get over.  but i'm impatient.  i want to know i'm headed towards something, some goal...and now i don't have one.

yes, i mourn the loss of the relationship, i miss him at least once a day, not an hour goes by where i don't think about him at least once, at least fleetingly...but i deal.  

now that i'm getting over the hurt, the crushing weight, now comes where i realize, fully, what's really gone.  i had a picture in my head of my future.  i knew where i was headed, i knew what i was moving towards.  there was some definite thing at the end of a timeline.  and now, all that's at the end of the timeline...is an end.  and more questions.

i like having goals.  in high school, it was making good grades to get into UGA. at UGA, it was making good grades to keep HOPE and get into Grady.  and then i did that, and i was working towards graduating.  and i did that, and didn't really have to work toward a job.  and in the beginning of my job, i didn't feel like i needed to work toward something, because the end seemed so far away.  and now it's not. and now i have to decide what's next.

i like feeling safe. it's why i like sleeping in so much, it's partly why i wanted to come home for my first job.  being super scared does not sit well with me.  i like feeling in control, and being afraid does not make me feel in control.  and now, i'm scared.  i'm trying not to be, but i am.  because in nine short months, i have a very big decision to make.

what next?

i don't want to stay here, this job will be through with me, and i with it, and i need something new.  i need to try something new.  but all of my anchors, and not the news kind, will be here.  i don't like feeling alone.  and when i go, i will be.  it will be me, in a new place with new people and new place to call home and no one there to physically turn to.  my phone will become my anchor.  and it's scary.

i never thought i'd be able to feel so old, and so young at the same time.

i feel like i shouldn't be having to make these kinds of decisions, even though i know people younger than me are doing it already.  and i feel too old to be so freaked out, to worry so much about "what ifs" when they aren't even here yet.  

and i feel too young to be starting all over, even when i know people older than me who've done it several times over.  and i feel too old to be realizing how much faith i put in something that would never be a guarantee, that nothing ever is.

that i had, rightly or wrongly, put all of my faith into a future that was never to be.  at least not at the moment. and now i just have to have faith that my new future will work out.

it's just much easier to have faith in something that someone else does too...and now it's just me.
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suddenly on the upswing [Sep. 12th, 2006|07:50 pm]
so, i think it was yesterday that did it.

something about remembering every moment of five years ago, that panic, that inability to unglue myself from the tv....i realized my life is not to be lived grieving, and waiting.

and, thanks to some wise words from my dear mr. tucker, i'm getting back to me, in a big way.

that means i'm in a serious mood to flirt, i'm ready to get back to my "bad girl" phase....even though it was never that bad.

sure, it still sucks....but you know what i realized? if i found love once, i can do it again.  maybe with the same person, maybe with someone totally different.  but it didn't come the first time from sitting around and waiting, so it won't this time either.  i am embracing my friends, thankful for all of the people i do have in my life, and even those i don't.

i pray, and know that He's got it worked out for me....i just gotta stick around for the twists and turns.

oh yeah, and one more tiny change....i'm a redhead now.  check it out on facebook, or i'll send you a pic.  it's hot, i'm not gonna lie.

and, i'm returning to my mecca this weekend....oh athens on gameday, how i've missed you!

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cuz without you, i've lost my way [Sep. 5th, 2006|09:52 pm]
i'm getting better, but it's a slow process.

i'm getting to where i feel like i have more good moments than bad ones, but the bad aren't ever gone.

i have still yet to feel totally normal....even when i have moments, or minutes, or even hours where i don't feel floundering, i still know it's there, that right now i'm just pretending really well.  that at any given moment, there is always the chance of grief flooding back, of asking why it's happened to us.

i've been listening to a lot of slow, sad, breakup country music, which sometimes makes me feel not so alone, and sometimes makes me bawl my eyes out.  both are good i guess.

the highlights:

Leave the Pieces - The Wreckers
All I Want is You  - Julie Roberts
Without You - Dixie Chicks

and as sad as it is to admit, this is probably the most i've prayed in a really long time.  because part of feels like this is a crisis of faith, for both of us.  that he and i both need to get some help to totally believe this is it.

even though i have no idea whether he thinks that too, and wonder if he'd simply laugh at me for trying to find any reason to hang on.

i feel so untethered, like there is a piece of connection that's missing, and now i'm just me...but not in the right place.  floating off somewhere.

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(no subject) [Sep. 2nd, 2006|09:17 am]
[mood |heartbroken]

it's over.
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is it over yet? [Aug. 30th, 2006|07:50 pm]
[mood | uncomfortable]

finally, little league is done ruining my life.  at least for the time being.

between monday's game, where i had to stay late for a half hour newscast after the show (and where i spent the morning doing a show that would never air) to yesterday being there late for a meeting, about today's coverage of a welcome home special that also kept me at work late...i just can't deal.

i never skip the gym this much, but getting off at 7:30 when i've been there since 9:15 just is not conducive to exercise.  my mind is drained.

and there is the weird tone, the lull in coversations, the feeling like i'm bothering him with my work talk, when right now it's all that's been in my head...like i need something else to worry about.  but he says he's just tired.  

tired has never sounded like that before, like he doesn't really want to talk to me, like it's a forced thing.  he hasn't even said he's excited to see me this weekend.  

and i know i have a tendency to blow things out of proportion, esp. when i'm stressed about other things, but i can't help but worry, and can't help but wonder there's no way for me to really know.  without asking, which just gets me the answer of being tired.

i'm tired too.

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world champs baby [Aug. 28th, 2006|10:20 pm]
that's right kids, my wonderful hometown is now home to the best little league team in the country!!!

columbus wins 2-1 against the japanese!

oh yeah, and my little league boyfriend got the last out.

his name is josh lester, and he's totally my favorite.

he bats after the team hotshot, kyle carter, and up until the championship game, they'd intentionally walk carter. and then here comes josh, knocking them out of the park left and right. 7 rbi's in 2 games...he's my hero.

i hopen the c-town fellas can rub some of their good luck onto the georgia boys this weekend...coach richt did call them the day before the national championship game...here's to hoping karma pays us back =)
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any more random? probably not.. [Aug. 3rd, 2006|10:28 pm]
http://www.tmz.com/2006/08/02/elisabeths-views/

honestly, WTF is wrong with elisabeth hasselbeck? okay, sure, have your own opinions about the morning after pill and what-not, but if you're to go into an emotional tirade...get your shit straight. it's not "destroying" a life...this is not an abortion pill. it's keeping a life from starting at all. and no matter what you say, little miss reality tv...it is not the same as "birthing a baby and leaving on the street." normally, i like her...but this ish was ridiculous. and who is her stylist? cuz 3 out of 5 days, homegirl looks jacked up. somebody take the girl shopping...preferably someone who's not been living in a fashion timewarp black hole the past few years.

speaking of shopping...this whole tax-free weekend...LOVE it. it lets me release my inner trend whore, and i save a few bucks in the process. skinny jeans, red peep toe shoes...find me a hot ex-husband, give me a can of chicken of the sea and call me the new jessica simpson. i do have her shoes after all.

i also just recently rid my room of 95% of the wall decor....all of which had been up starting in middle school, when i was 12. so, not so reflective of me anymore. but now there are loads of pictures, and with my sweet digital camera, there's more ammo for the wall every day.

i'm currently wearing pj's with lawn gnomes on them. just thought you'd wanna know.

i also just learned...my boyfriend will soon be making 2 and half times more than me. and more than both my parents. guess i chose well.

just kidding....sort of.
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so, it's been awhile [Jul. 17th, 2006|09:18 pm]
alright, so i'm well aware i've been MIA for a bit...but in my defense, they went and gave me a normal schedule, so i'm all out of whack. i actually have to get up at 8, and be at work till 6:15, and then hit the gym after...so not my favorite thing, but it does have its perks.

i had a FABULOUS birthday, it was crazy and too much fun and i def. paid for it the next day, but if you wanna see the highlights, check out facebook, all the evidence is there.

apparently, my email hates sending pictures...i have some from over a month ago that no one has seen but me, but i can't get them to my friends...it's tragic really.

if you haven't seen the new "pirates of the caribbean", you totally should. esp. if you've seen love actually...you know the old man rock star? def. davy jones, with his creepy claw hand. i'm just glad there weren't any eels. and if you are lucky like me, you will also get to view the wonder and greatness that is the trailer for "talladega nights: the ballad of ricky bobby." i honestly was almost crying from laughing so hard. i have to see that, and "lady in the water" cuz i'd totally have m. night shyamalan's director babies.

went to a wedding on saturday, which was beautiful, as they always are. and i couldn't help but daydream about my best friend's in march, because i'm way too excited about being a bridesmaid...and then a little about my own, however off in the ether it is. because i'm 23 now...i'm allowed to admit to things like that =)

i am also obsessed with my jessica simpson birthday shoes...i think they make anything i wear look hot. including the gauchos i finally found, the ones that don't make my calves look like toothpicks, like every other pair.

i am also obsessed with my new digital camera...thanks georgia dept. of revenue, for my sweet canon powershot digital elph...i love you.

i am thirdly obsessed with my new giant fluffy pillows from sam's...oh how i love to snooze on those babies.

i have entirely too many craft projects in my head right now...good thing this is a here weekend, maybe i can actually get some of them done.

mkay, that's it for now...maybe you'll get lucky and get a real, deep insight update sometime soon.
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Hayley Needs (and cuz rachel said) [Jun. 20th, 2006|11:13 pm]
Go to Google and type in '[your name] needs' and post the results of the first page in your LJ. Tag five people after you've done this.


Hayley needs him to be strong; stiff upper lip, lad, in other words.
Hayley needs help.
Hayley needs to decide: Scott or Kim? Scott; Kim; Neither
Hayley needs to join Bianca at anorexia day camp
Hayley needs some mouth-to-mouth to get over the shock

i don't feel like looking up to tag...so if you wanna do it, go for it =)
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old friends, and new beginnings [Jun. 14th, 2006|11:12 pm]
there is something to be said for the friends who have been there through it all. seen all of our ups and downs, witnessed our laughs and your tears, our successes and failures. they are the people who know us best, and if you are like me, they are the people we thank heaven for every single day, because they keep us sane and they are the roots on which our identity was forged.

there is something to be said for the friends we have, and have lost. the ones we always though would be there until the end; and then the end comes much sooner than anticpated. abd hearts break and tears are shed, if it's an ubrupt ending. and sometimes it's much more subtle than that, fewer phone calls and less inclusion until we realize we have no idea who each other is anymore.

and then, as i have recently learned, comes one of the best things of all. the friends who come back.

there was a girl, who i was amazing friends with in high school. her, her best friend, me and my best friend - the four of us were inseperable. we did prom together, we did lunch together, we did weekends together. and then 2 of us went off to school, and 2 stayed home. the 2 of us that left roomed together, for a quite memorable freshman year.

and then came the end. fall of sophomore year, i won't go into details, but it wasn't pretty, and i cried a lot of tears, and i'd resigned myself to the fact that maybe one day down the road, we'd be able to be in the same room and be cordial.

cut to last night, where we are all 4 back together, for the first time in years, and it is exactly like old times. it's amazing how one apology, one voicemail that is straight from the heart can erase all the old wounds. i had forgiven long ago, but it is only now that i'll be able to forget.

because we are back together, in a way close friends should be...and i feel it in my bones will be better off, stronger for the entire ordeal. yes, we missed 3 years of each others lives...but it was realized at 22, not 82.

and there is no one in the world i am gladder to have back in my life, as a whole, than those 3. these girls knew me when i was but a shadow of the person i am now, and i look forward to them being there as all of our lives get brighter and brighter.

here's to old friends, and new beginnings.
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it just don't make good sense [Jun. 7th, 2006|11:13 pm]
so, for the past 2 days, and of course beyond that...but it's been in my immediate realm of discussion since yesterday's alabama primary....the topic of at least one conversation.

gay marriage.

yesterday, alabama voted by 81% to change their state constitution to define marriage as between a man and a woman. today, the senate voted down a similar measure, 49-48. in the senate, it would take 60 yes votes for approval, and of course any amendment has to be ratified by 3/4 of states to count and all that jazz.

here's the part i don't get....why everyone cares so much.

because, let's face it...at its root, marriage is a religious institution, not a governmental one. and if your church decides, based on its own principles, that they don't wanna let 2 guys or 2 girls walk down the aisle and pledge themselves in holy matrimony...fine by me. cuz that's not anyone but the church's call to make.

but it shouldn't be a government issue. welcome to the joys of a little thing called separation of church and state. sure, argue all you want that "this nation was founded on religious principles" and all that jazz....it ain't 1776 anymore kids. to me, making a constitutional definition of who can get "married" and who can't is like making laws saying only white boys can be baptised, or only girls with brown hair can take communion. that's not a government decision to make!!

and the people who pull this "sanctity of marriage" crap make me sick. first, because of all my previous reasons, that it shouldn't be a government issue anyway. but 2, if marriage between a man and a woman is so sacred, then why are there so many spouses beating each other up, killing each other, cheating on each other, using their marriage vows as weapons? if it was so sacred, people wouldn't take it for granted so much.

if it really means that much to you, just give gay people the exact same rights, because hello, they're HUMAN BEINGS, just like those of us who love the opposite sex, and call heterosexual marriage "the better, more endorsed by our God version of marriage". because those of us who don't mind if homosexuals get married, are pretty sure our God doesn't mind so much who gets hitched.

i mean, come on...do we not have bigger fish to fry in this country than stopping gary and timothy from throwing their fabulous martha stewart meets vegas glam themed wedding? i thought so.
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his love's like rain on a tin roof [Jun. 5th, 2006|11:16 pm]
i meant to do this yesterday, but i was exhausted, and went to bed early.

so, my weekend. first off, i must really love this boy of mine, because i volunteered to do chores for him while he was at work. me, doing chores, of my own volition. amazing, i know. anyways, i learned while i am quite adept at laundry and vacuuming...me and mopping, not so much. i'm used to one step chores...like, put laundry in machine, and go. i don't sort, because i wash everything in cold water anyhow. so me and mopping, i forget about the whole sweeping beforehand business, so i had to go back after the floor dried and vacuum up the little bits o' stuff. but all in all, not bad.

and then, the highlight of my weekend. the moment i have been waiting for, probably since philip bought his house a year ago and started talking about fixing up the basement.

because now, it's fixed. and i was such a good girl, and waited until he got home from work so he could properly show it to me. and let me just say, it is AMAZING. the walls look great, the ceiling looks great, the floors are great, the bar and barback are awesome in there...it's phenomenal. i can't believe he did it himself, with the help of some friends of course. it looks like a real room!! it's going to be great, and i'm so proud of him for it.

karaoke in a hole in the wall bar in the middle of nowhere jefferson, GA....pretty fun. granted, i stuck with my standard favorite, a little old-school "baby got back". and of course, april and i started belting other songs along with singers once we'd had a few. but it was so much fun, even though the drive was kinda long.

and then came saturday. which, in theory, could have been a weird situation, even though we've been together almost a year and a half. because philip's whole family was visiting. mom, dad in from japan, brother and sister. now, i get along great with his mom and siblings, and see them a lot in columbus when he's here. but the whole family...poses a different sort of trepidation. and then they got here, and we ran errands, and i realized something that made me stop. it gets more and more that i realize that they are starting to feel like my family too. it's a strange sensation, thinking of people in the same way as your blood relatives...but it's there.

and just for the record, i do not look forward to tomorrow, and primaries in alabama in the least. few days are as lame in the news world as election days.
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